Dear Regina: A Thank You From My (clean) Heart

The long and illustrious career of Regina Jacobs is over. She has decided to venture boldly into the land of real estate sales, where her gifts seem to be undeniably fitting. She's quick, smart, and seems to only improve with age. In fact, she really DOES get better with age. Before our eyes, Regina miraculously approached and passed her 40th birthday while setting a World Record (indoor 1500m), and looking twice as jack-ripped as the 25 year-old version of herself. Not only that, but as America celebrated her and everything about 'defying the odds' and 'working hard to get to the top' that this country and Regina represents, she broke her career long stigma of having mostly bad years and off days when major championships rolled around, taking home the gold at the Indoor Worlds in 2003. Only one other time had she won a world gold medal- back in the years of her youth, at age 31.

Being in the limelight and a role model for many, she has long been the inspiration for aging people across America.

Harry, I don't understand why you can't get up off your bum and take out the trash! Look at that woman on T.V. - She's almost 40 and setting World Records, and you can't even get off that couch to take out the trash, you ought to be ashamed…

Despite her whopping 24 national titles as a professional runner, Jacobs never once captured a NCAA crown while in college (archrival Suzy Favor Hamilton won nine). Hey, don't fault her- I didn't grow armpit hair until 11th grade- some people are just late bloomers! But while most athletes' performances eventually nose dive due to the mysterious effects of A-G-E, Regina's have been skyrocketing due to the potent effects of T-H-G. The designer steroid, previously unknown and untested for, is now making waves not only through Regina's bloodstream, but across the country. After testing positive for it, Regina faces what could be a two year ban from the sport, and I fear that we are letting her slip away to her new career without the proper send off. She deserves the proper goodbye.

That's right track fans, faster than you can sound out "tetrahydrogestrinone," Regina is out the back door of track and walking through the front door of real estate to try her (steroid filled) hand at sales in unsuspecting Oakland, California. "I expect she'll do well" was David Cobo's (CEO of the Prudential California Realty branch in Montclair, Oakland) comment on Regina. Who wouldn't want someone as successful and deceitful as Regina Jacobs (not the 25-year old slow, unadulterated model) playing on their team?

Yes, Mrs. Jacobs? There seems to be some mistake. I received my statement today- I thought the contract I signed said I only pay 606 dollars a month on this place?

Oh, you must have been looking at it upside down when you signed it…

At least now she can only rip people off one at a time.

But you see, that's just the problem, individuals have been getting ripped off one at a time, namely Suzy Favor Hamilton, who has been runner-up to Regina no less than eight times in Outdoor US Championship 1500m races alone! It's about time a little bling bling gets overnighted back to its rightful owner.

I propose not that we ban her, but rather just the opposite- we force her to run. That sounds like much more fun to me. We detain her, supervise her at all times (allowing her all needed training, rest, and proper nutrition not from Victor Conte), and force her to run 'clean' at large, prestigious meets around the country and world.

And now folks, in lane one, 24-time national champion, the woman who spent the latter half of her career with arteries more substance-filled than Ben Johnson's, running in what appears to be a body shaped only by hard training and eating properly, scarcely recognizable…Regina Jacobs!...and in lane two, runner- up eight times…

Now that is reality television. Who wouldn't love to watch Regina wretch for air and churn with every muscle ablaze, looking helplessly around as other runners streamline around her, and the crowd just chants louder and louder…she's been on THG, since back in '93

And hey, if that doesn't work, there is an internet search engine, 411.com, where you can find people's numbers and addresses. Maybe her and her husband's (Tom Craig) address and number would be listed in the Oakland, California section.

Perhaps if we all called, sent letters, and pleaded, she'd be more than happy to agree to this 'detaining' plan and racing clean to clear her name. Or maybe instead we should just each send her a personal note on behalf of American Track and Field, thanking her for helping to ruin the sport we love.

Oh, and if you're in the Oakland area working with a particularly successful and fast-moving real estate agent, you might want to get a second opinion… I hear she's only getting better with age.

Note: Matt Goodwin is a freelance columnist for scrunners.com. A new column will be posted from Goodwin each week. Goodwin is a graduate of Wade Hampton (G) High School and Furman University.

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